Sunday, June 04, 2006

Of Hurts and Love

Natasha went to see X3 again last night. Adam called up and Tasha asked me to go, but Mark and Kami were here with there five kids and I gave an indefinite answer because I wasn't sure how much money I had. Then I remembered that I had gotten a check in the mail from Grandma and Grandpa that day. If I could borrow a couple of bucks until I could cash it, I'd be fine. But Adam came and picked her up and she left without offering again. So I stayed home. And I admit it, I cried myself to sleep last night. Not my greatest moment.

I now know what happened after the credits because Tasha told Dad and I was sitting there too. I don't think she's realized how much she hurt me. Maybe I didn't give a vague enough amswer. Maybe she thought I really didn't want to stay up that late (like I care). I was up that late anyway. I heard her come home. Couldn't sleep.

I realize that this probably sounds pathetic. Believe me, you have no idea how much I tried to convince myself last night that it was just a stupid movie. I didn't succeed. X-Men has become one of my obsessions. One of the good ones and one of the few ones of this level. This is a high. I use this to survive. It's something that drives me. Not quite to the extent of my Germany and stories, but only because those are constant and this will eventually fade. I'll always have it though. And I'll always regret yesterday. I could've done something more. I know that. But I can't manage to push myself. If she'd known I have no doubt I would have been in that theater last night.

But there's nothing more to do about it now. I just hope to see it in dollar. Please God.

Bless you in your chances,

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